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"5'1" and Still Growing" is the first speech I gave in Toastmaster's. The speech was given on Wednesday, 11/4/09, to a group of about 20 Toastmaster's club members, who also work for Chase. The first speech given is usually the Ice Breaker speech which is all about the speaker. This speech is meant as a way for the speaker to introduce themselves to their club members. Toastmaster's is a club for people who want to improve their speaking and leadership skills. If you are interested, you can go to the Toastmaster's International site and join and then find meetings held in your area.
I won Best Speaker out of 3 on Wednesday, even though the two other speakers are more experienced in Toastmaster's than I am. I was so excited and hope to continue to excel and learn to reduce my "Uh"s and "You know"s. :-)
5'1" and Still Growing
by Krista Pugh
One day, when I was about 5 years old, I lay crying in a
As a kid, each time someone asked me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” my answer would be different. I was a kid who thought that there were endless possibilities out there. One day I’d want to be a singer, then an actor, or a writer, or, a psychiatrist, or businesswoman, or even an ice skater. Luckily, as I got older, I weeded out a lot of the possibilities as I found out who I am, what I’m good at, and what really fulfills me.
Before I came to work for Chase a couple years ago, I worked as a production assistant and writer in local television news. .In the beginning of my time in TV news, I was starry eyed and when I stood behind the camera taping the anchors and reporters in the studio, I daydreamed about being behind the desk myself, reading the stories of the day, with my hair perfectly quaffed, make up professionally done, revered and respected. However, as the time there went on and I learned more about the profession, with all its’ long, strange hours, harrowing tragic scenes and stories, I realized that if I wanted a life filled with more than just work, if I wanted a strong marriage someday and kids with my boyfriend Shaun, being a reporter or news anchor would make all of that much more difficult. Most of the reporters I worked with had been divorced and most of them went home lonely at the end of a long night or early morning. I really enjoyed working directly with the news team, but each day at work brought a new tragic news story, or a few of them, to the forefront of my brain. One night, there was a car chase that ended in the suicide of the driver of the getaway car. I witnessed the man die on camera, off the air. That was only one of the many tragedies I witnessed weekly.
I told most people that I was leaving news for the logical reasons that I wasn’t earning enough money and they didn’t have any full-time positions open. That was all true, but if I’d still loved news, I would have stayed in it. But, I didn’t love it anymore, I dreaded it. I didn’t like who I’d become. I was harder, I was jaded, I was depressed, and I had lost a lot of my hope in humanity. So, yes, it may seem like a huge jump to go from writing TV news to working for Chase where I write business communications. But, here, I don’t see death everyday. And I don’t see destruction. I like life much better that way.
In my life now, I try to appreciate the good things in my life. Although I wish I could have had my sister around more growing up and had met my two big brothers earlier than the age of 13, I can say that I’ve truly learned to appreciate what I have and who I have in my life. I’ve become successful in life by overcoming adversity and maintaining strength, so I’m actually appreciative of the adversity because it helped shape the person I am today.
Physical and mental adversity also played a big part in my life, even when I didn’t realize it. I’ve always been a fairly healthy eater, but in August of 2008, I learned that some of the so-called healthy foods I was eating, like whole wheat bread, were inadvertently poisoning me almost daily. After suffering from stomach problems, brain fogginess, trouble concentrating, physical ailments and neurological symptoms for more than 10 years, I finally learned that I have Celiac Disease. Celiac is an autoimmune disorder in which my digestive system can’t process gluten which is a binder found in wheat, rye or barley. I will save more details on this complicated disorder for another speech, as the red light is not my friend. The basics of it are that I have drastically changed my diet and amazingly have felt better physically and mentally this year than I have since I was a kid. I’m eating right, staying healthy, loving my family and friends, working, writing and creating. It’s safe to say I’m as happy as a clown.
- Location:Home
- Mood:
satisfied
I've never been one of those envied people who just figured out they wanted to help sick animals or draw and build skyscrapers by the age of 14 and stuck with it (Shout out to my Twigs and Vazz, aka Teresa and Shaun). As a kid, when people asked "So, what do you want to be when you grow up little girl?", I'd answer with a different profession depending on the day. I'd answer with one of the following: singer, dancer, actor, teacher, psychiatrist, clown (admit I was a bit delirious when I answered with that one as I was in the hospital having a piece of wood removed from my foot), author, ice skating champion, runner, etc, etc. I guess you could say that I wanted to be everything. I thought I could be anything and the possibilities were unlimited. Or, I was just indecisive. Considering this fly-by-night whimsical attitude I held as a child, it was very possible that my life could have followed a completely different path. For example, because I wouldn't be able to pin down what I wanted to be, I then wouldn't go to school because I wouldn't know which major to pick, wouldn't excel at anything because I couldn't decide which elective to sign up for and would end up working at Burger King, splitting my time between the morning shift, jam sessions with the band I would have inexplicably joined in my attempt to be a rock star, the rehearsals for the play I was in as the waitress since I didn't have the motivation to go for the lead, and spending time with other dead beats who I started hanging out with when we played endless hours of hackysack behind the high school gym and talked about how they didn't know what they wanted to do with their lives either.
Wow, scary huh? Luckily, in high school, amidst the choir practices and auditions, theater rehearsals and auditions, church youth group meetings and events, friends, boyfriends and homework, I somehow registered to be on the school newspaper staff. As a kid, even as far back as 2nd and 3rd grade, I was praised and sometimes chastised for attention to detail, elaboration in writing and innovative ideas and plots. So, now, after years of writing everything from research papers, short TV news script, long newspaper articles, business notifications outlining mortgage banking computer systems, short creative non-fiction, short creative fiction, poetry, and more than half a novel, I have FINALLY admitted aloud my intentions. My intentions with my own career and in turn life, is to write things that interest me for a living. Sounds incredibly simple, and almost elementary, doesn't it my dear Watson?
Now, I realize that this is not the first time I have written about my love for writing or my intention to do something involving the written word for a living. However, up until now, I have been making it far too difficult on myself. And, up until now, I've been lacking the most essential component to this plan. BELIEF in my ability to do it. I took my current job at a time when I was only being given 20 hours a week to work at the TV station, and 4 months out of college, with my already acquired 4 years of real job experience, I was not satisfied with that, nor could I have lived well on the meager funds much longer. When hopes I had for possibly working on air for a local radio station didn't pan out, I felt defeated. I was worn thin by the media world and it's empty promises. I had learned that it was not glamorous like I'd thought, it did not pay well, especially considering all the ridiculous hours, stories, demands and depression I would have been expected to endure if I were to continue working in that world with stories of death, deception and tragedy swarming around my head each and every day.
Anyway, I needed something more stable, more rewarding and far away from the TV news world. My Monster and CareerBuilder searches consisted of me typing in the word "Writer" and location, "Dallas, TX." Eventually, I found the JPMorgan Chase position which was listed on the job search sites as "Marketing Communications Associate." First of all, after about one week in the position, I learned that my duties would barely resemble those of a "Marketing Communications Associate," and my actual title wouldn't even be "Marketing Communications Associate." Yes, I was a Communications Associate and eventually my title was even upgraded to Sr. Communications Analyst. However, the Marketing Team? In a different location. The Marketing Team? Run by a different manager than my team. The Marketing Team? I've never even met them in person.
Anyway, my point is, my current job fills several of my basic needs: financial stability, medical, optical and dental, people to talk to, my own desk, responsibility, respect and others. However, I am not the kind of person who will ever be happy with just the basics. I was raised poor. Yes poor. Not even just blue-collar, POOR. My mother and I were on food stamps and eventually LoneStar debit on and off for probably 15 years. My mother and I often visited Mission Arlington and local church food banks for our monthly groceries. Our electricity was shut off too many times to count. My mother pawned our TV and VCR multiple times and then we'd sit and pray one of us could come up with the money to go buy it back before someone else did. We had to give two of my dogs away, Rover when I was 5 and Lady when I was about 12, to dog shelters because both times we had to move from a bigger, 2-bedroom duplex, to a small, one-bedroom apartment that didn't allow dogs, because my mom had lost another job or taken a lower-paying one. I could go on but the picture has been painted. Now, with that said, so many people in this world have had it MUCH worse than I did. We were never homeless and we always had the essentials, even if we didn't have much of them. So, the point of dredging that stuff back up is to hammer it home that I am not a person who will ever be happy with just the basics. I've lived without much money, and I did just fine. I'm here, aren't I?
Money is NOT what urges me out of bed in the morning. Yes, I will admit that it is great to have it. I am currently doing much better financially than I could have believed I would be at my age. Although my mother does not know this, I currently make more money per year than she ever has, by probably about 10K. The salary is another big perk of working for one of the biggest banks in the world and one of the only banks that, rather than go under during this recession, has risen up and acquired two failing banks in the process, Bear Stearns and Washington Mutual. Yes, I am more relaxed and generally content knowing that my bills are paid, I can go out to eat when I want, I have money in savings, I can buy clothes when I want and, now even more apparently beneficial, I know our bills will still be paid in the event Shaun can't pay his half. So, I am not saying that I'm going to be choosing to walk out of my job and live in a hut by the sea anytime soon. But, I want to use my talents for a living. I want to know that what I am spending my valuable time on is something that will benefit others creatively, within their soul. Reading great novels and non-fiction books has enriched my life in ways that I cannot even fully comprehend, even in this moment. I have been addicted to reading interesting books and articles and blogs since I learned to read. I have written since I learned to write because ever since I first wrote something down that I'd created in my own head, I was driven by the desire to feel the high it gave me again and again.
Most people have heard of The Secret and all these spiritually-centered ideas that what you say will become what is. If you pray, or think or talk positivity, you are sending out that positive energy, and positive energy will return to you. So, in a conversation I had recently with my man Shaun, I said out loud, "My real dream is and has been to become a novelist and writer of interesting pieces that will be read by many people and enjoyed. If I can make a living doing that, that is what I want to do." The only reason I haven't said that out loud and didn't really even allow myself to ponder the possibility that I can make it a reality is that I didn't believe it was realistic. It was a pipe dream and if I spent my time sitting at home writing now, I wouldn't be making any money and if the book or pieces didn't sell, then I'd be up a creek. But, now, at this point in my life, I do have stability, money and extra time. So, I am currently working on my book, constantly rolling new ideas around in my cabeza and hoping that one day, I won't have to get up and drive 45 minutes to a desk job where I write boring business communications that don't feed anyone's soul. I will be able to get up in the morning, sit quietly on my porch with a cup of coffee or tea, admiring the stillness of the lake outside, pull out my laptop anytime I'm ready and write until my heart's content. And then, the next day, I'll wake up and do it again.
- Location:Home in TX
- Mood: peaceful
- Music:The clickity clack of the keys
So, basically, the universe is testing me and those around me once again. What is it with all the drama that comes swinging back around every few months?
Anyway, first thing's first...
1)On September 11, 2009, my 67 year old Uncle Paul passed away in California after an accelerated four-month deterioration of health due to multiple strokes and other complications.
2)Next, about 4 days later, my best friend found out she has some medical issues that are scary and very worthy of the two bottles of wine we drank among friends that day.
3)And finally, about 2 days later, Shaun was laid off from his job at the Interior Architecture firm due to a decrease in funding available for resources...just a nice way to say that the company didn't manage their money well and therefore had to lay off one of their most hard-working employees.
At first, I was handling everything ok, but I think the job loss pushed me over the edge. I had a couple mini breakdowns over the weekend, and I ended up only feeling worse because I went from being supportive of Shaun to being harsh towards him. I know, and I hope he knows, that it was just my emotions breaking down after a very stressful week of the world falling down, with me helpless to stop it. I think I would rather have bad stuff happen to me than to the people I care about. When bad things happen to people I care about, it hurts so much worse because there is nothing I can do to help other than be there to talk and spend time with them. I ache with the desire for the power to set their worlds back upright on stands of pride, self-confidence and happiness.
It kills me that I'm sitting over here, living my lovely life with a mostly secure job, ever-improving physical health and loving relationship, while people I care for are suffering with no job, worries about the future of their internal organs, grief over being 26 and losing their father, and/or relationship problems. I know that it's so silly to think this way and want to make it clear that I don't actually wish that bad things will happen to me. I just wish I could snap my fingers and heal the hurt of my friends and family. I guess all I can do right now is send them good thoughts and prayers and hope for the best.
So the reason for the subject line is that I have been slowly weaning myself off of Wellbutrin for the past few weeks and currently do not have a bottle of it at home. I have more refills at the pharmacy, so I can pick some up if I really want/need to. However, I am purposely trying to quit taking them. I've been on Wellbutrin as an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication for quite some time now...probably about 1-2 years. I started off on Lexapro back during college which was horrible for me. I believe it actually made me more depressed and kind of crazy and contributed to my weight gain from age 21-22 (gained 25-30 lbs in one year).
So, I got off of Lexapro, but was too scared to be completely off of medication, so I eventually started on Wellbutrin which has been really great for me. I really haven't had any side effects and it really helped keep me on an even keel. After a while, I just resigned myself to believing that I would need to be on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds for the rest of my life, as depression runs in our family. However, when I learned about Celiac Disease and its' effects, I learned that depression can be related to gluten intolerance and Celiac Disease. That really made me think and realize that there was a possibility that the depression I've suffered with could be managed with a better diet. In the past year, I've changed my diet drastically, removing all gluten, other than when i accidentally have been accidentally glutened or the couple of times that I slipped and had pizza or bread by choice and paid for it later.
Lately, I have felt better physically and mentally than I have in years, if ever. I don't have very many mood swings or times of depression where I feel like life is just pointless. So, I am trying this no-Wellbutrin-test for a little while to see how I feel. I am a little worried because I feel kind of vulnerable when not on medication, since I have been on some type of it for the past 4 years. I think that I scare myself and maybe don't fully trust myself with no meds. But, I've never been told by a therapist/doctor that I cannot function without anti-depressants or that I should be on them full time. I think the reason that I'm scared is that I have a mortal fear of turning into my mother. She had so many problems keeping her emotions and subsequent behavior in check over the years and it ended up making life very, very difficult for us during my childhood and adolescence. The last thing I want is to become a bipolar mess, drive my friends and family away and struggle through my life. However, I don't have any reason to believe that I am bipolar or that I even have that gene. I just know that I've suffered from depression, but it could be related to diet! How amazing would it be if I could stop taking anti-depressants forever? I mean, I don't have anything against them, and don't think there was anything wrong with me wanting to take care of myself with medication. However, I obviously hope that I won't have to rely on taking a little pill everyday of the rest of my life just to feel normal.
So far, in the past 5 days off of the meds, I have only noticed that I am more tired throughout the day, but that could just be related to the fact that so much has been going on and I've been a bit worried which makes me physically and mentally drained.
I will try to pay close attention and continue monitoring how I feel in relation to being off Wellbutrin meds. I just hope that things will start to get better for everyone and that we can all hang in there until things have grown to be so wonderful that we look back on the bad times with nothing but laughter.
Peace - Kitt (Krista)
- Location:Work
- Mood:
optimistic - Music:Nothing at the minute
To my dear friend Quakecon: Yours Truly - A Female Non-Gamer
This past weekend Quakecon played out its’ 13th year in a row. This year, for the 3rd out of those 13 years, it was held at the Gaylord Texan resort in Grapevine, Texas. Quakecon is an annual convention where gamers gather to plug in and play at their personal computer gaming systems in what is referred to as a humongous “LAN party”, the “Woodstock” of LAN parties if you will. To give you an idea of the massive scale of this simple “LAN party”, the first Quakecon was held in 1996, at the Best Western hotel in Garland, Texas. By the end of that first weekend, 100 people had passed through to game or observe after being alerted through online chat networks. This year, only 12 years later, a reported 5,000 males and females from all over the U.S. brought their computers into the BYOC – Bring Your Own Computer, spent day and/or night competing against their friends on WOW, Quake, Doom, Resident Evil, Wolfenstein, etc., and competing in structured tournaments throughout Friday and Saturday. The total attendants at Quakecon numbered 7,000, as tons of attendees, including myself, register as “G” for General at Quakecon, just to witness the sheer magnitude of the event and energy pumping through the three auditoriums. This year, one auditorium housed the aforementioned BYOC, one housed a vendor area containing booths for BAWLS, Id, Alienware, , Activision, AMD, Aspyr, Apple, ATI Technologies, Ageia, 1UP Network,
What I want to talk about doesn’t have a lot to do with the scheduled events at Quakecon, but the unscheduled events, the drama and the underlying messages subliminally thrown out at each of us…although not everyone listens closely enough to hear them. I promise I am not crazy, btw.
Since I’ve been going to this annual event for five years in a row, yet admit I may not be what most of the elite may call “an authority”, I feel it’s ok for me to employ the freedom I’ve been allowed through the simple, inalienable right to type, to expose the underbelly of the Con. Before I begin, I have to qualify everything by saying that I love going to Quakecon every year, but the reasons behind my love for the Con have changed since that first 2004 weekend. I started going because in 2003 I met and fell in love with a self-proclaimed gamer. He had his first Quakecon experience in August of 2003 and had invited me to check it out, but I honestly wasn’t interested that year because I’d never even heard of it until I met him and wasn’t a gamer myself. I still remember sitting in the car at a local Sonic drive-in the Sunday night after he came back from that first Con and hearing him just rave on about how amazing the Con was and how he excitedly tried to explain it, but then threw up his hands saying there was really no way to explain it and therefore, I’d just have to see it with my own eyes. I knew then that I’d definitely be going the next year to see what all the fuss was about.
Anyway, I could go much farther into detail, but for the sake of saving time, I won’t. The first thing on my mind, maybe not one of the pieces most of the guys who go to Quakecon would want me to comment on, are the Booth Babes. Ok first of all, I know this is not the first technology convention to employ Booth Babes to help pull in more guys to a particular booth. Anyway, first off, the shoes. Seriously? Ok, I am 5’ 1” tall, so I know my heels. But, I look at these girls and there is no way I can think past the big neon sign flashing Stripper! Stripper! Stripper! in my head. Now, I know that our society loves to tell us that all guys love strippers. Ok, I get it. Naked woman are fascinating. Wow, big surprise. But, isn’t that all about them getting naked for you and the brief high it gives you when they pretend to like you? And you for that brief second believe that a real woman actually finds you attractive enough to rub on you and possibly sleep with you. Anyway, I don’t believe it’s really the shoes the guys get off on (well maybe in some unfortunate accidents. In that case, I feel more sorry for the stripper). So, my question is, what is the point of these women, clothed women, walking around in 3 to 4 inch high stripper heels all day, eventually limping around, dumbly waving their arms to present new technology that they don’t understand and basically serving no purpose. The ironic thing about it all is that Quakecon is one of the only times I’ve seen thousands of men gathered in one place and more interested in the games, new technology, getting free swag and watching gaming tournaments than the women. Ok, now I’m not naive enough to think that the guys don’t notice these women. I saw a few pictures of these short, tight shirt and high-heel-wearing women floating around on computer screens and all. I guess my real problem is that these women even do these jobs. It goes along with my feeling about women objectifying themselves in general…which is a whole different topic to discuss and blog to be written another time. Anyway, my question is, if there were no such thing as Booth Babes, would no men or lesbians come to Quakecon anymore? No, I really don’t think the numbers would decrease at all. The number of Booth Babes has actually decreased as compared to years past, from what I saw, and the volume of Quakecon attendees has steadily increased. So, these vendors or Quakecon, whoever pays these women, could actually save money, and help the cause of decreasing the number of objectified women our men see (I know guys, you will miss them. But seriously…Are all the commercials, website ads and free porn not enough?) on a daily basis. Do you know how many more female gamers there are now? How do you think it makes them feel to finally be competing on the same level as guys in videogaming, a sport that has been dominated by men for most of its’ lifespan, and then to be forced to walk alongside these women who make their living strutting around wearing nothing, to get men excited (how difficult is that really?) and get paid for it? It’s like a slap in the face.
Stopping my rant there. The other pieces of the con that need to be addressed are the drinking, the drama, the sharing of files. The main reason I go to Quakecon is to hang with friends, have some tasty beverages and basically chill out among a lot of other smart people around my age who know how to work hard and to play hard. Over the past 6 years my man and I have made some friendships out of Quakecon that have grown and remain today. We’ve gone to their weddings, been there through job changes, family struggles, but have mostly had some amazing experiences that we won’t forget. And for the experiences we can’t remember due to a little too much fun, we’ve got pictures.
For anyone out there who doesn’t know much about gaming, doesn’t have gamer friends, and basically views all gamers as nerds with no lives, you’d be very shocked to know of some of the scandal slithering in between the computer chairs and empty BAWLS cans scattered over the concrete floor. I can’t really say much about the other 6,980 attendees, but I can say enough about our own group. And the good thing is, most of my friends from the event may not even read this. And if they do, they’re identities will be kept a mystery to anyone but them.
First of all, I am getting really tired of the same old arguments every year, the same drama that is poorly disguised as a new issue each year, the power trips. I had some of the most fun this year out of all the years, but I also saw some of the saddest things I’ve seen this year. I witnessed people expressing the pubescent immaturity of a teen who wants to make their ex-girl/boyfriend jealous. I heard about emo behavior which ended up keeping one of our friends from wanting to hang out. I witnessed resurgences of old grudges which resulted in a lot of character bashing behind peoples’ backs. I’m going to interject into my own account here to say that if I were to have recorded myself the whole weekend, I would hear that I was one of the people doing some of the bashing, or trash talking., mostly about people I don’t even know very well. None of us know what the whole truth about a situation is, so it’s not right for us to judge other people based on a few rumors thrown around. I know that I wouldn’t want people doing that to me, even though I realize that it has happened to me.
I really don’t want to continue the downward spiral of bashing in this blog. That is not my intent. My intent is to open peoples’ eyes to the fact that a lot of the drama arising out of long weekends like Quakecon is petty. The point of Quakecon is to have fun. Life, in and of itself, is usually difficult, sometimes depressing, sometimes pointless and repetitive. For some of the attendees, myself included, this is one of the few weekends out of the entire year that serves as a much-needed break from repetition. We are allowed the chance to take time away from work, assemble in one place all at once, exuberantly greet friends we haven’t seen in a year or more, sit down to play games, watch people play, write, eat, drink and be merry. The whole essence of Quakecon is embracing the many ways we can escape from the harshness of reality. Part of its’ essence is also to allow like-minded people, “geeks” if you must, the chance to connect with other like-minded people. Whereas, in everyday life, it is often difficult for many of these people to really connect with others on a social level due to the often low instance of similar interests. It isn’t the place or the time to drag everyone down with drama, old grudges, etc. Please let it go, if not for your own sanity and enjoyment, then for mine! Save the drama for your mama and I'll promise I'll try too.
- Mood:
creative
So, according to Live Journal, I haven't updated my blog in 19 weeks. I figure it's about time to do some updating right about now! If nothing else, it's for me to have an account of everything so I can look back and remember it all! I will probably leave some things out, because I just can't remember everything that has happened in the past 19 weeks. I've slept alot since then! lol
Ok, well, most recently, Shaun and I flew up to Spokane, WA to visit my big brothers Devin and Corey Pugh. Devin is married to Vanessa and they have 3 sons. Corey has a girlfriend of almost 6 years named Eva. So, they can relate to Shaun and me being together for 6 years and going strong! I hadn't seen my brothers in 6 years due to the fact that I went thru college and pretty much had no money the whole time, Devin has had 2 more kids since then and they didn't come down here. They are originally from Texas and were born to my biological father and their mother, Beverly. That was during my father's first marriage. So, then Beverly and my father split and Mike met my mother. They eventually had me. However, there was alot of drama back then and some resentment, so my brothers were never informed that they had a sister until I was about 12 years old, making them 16 and 19. I met them when I was about 13 for the first time when they made a rare trip down to Texas. We pretty much instantly connected and they took me into their family and treated me like I was their little sister all this time. It's really crazy to have these two guys who share half the same genes and bloodline that I do living so far away. But, I'm really glad that we have all stayed in touch and that they still welcome me into their lives, and I them.
So, we had an absolute blast up in Spokane and the surrounding parts. We got to go see Coldplay at this amazing outdoor venue called "The Gorge" in George, WA (clever, huh?). It was the most amazing venue I have ever or will ever get to go to see a concert. Basically, we sat up on this grassy hill, looking down at the stage which is strategically placed dangerously close to the edge of this cliff. Over the cliff, many feet down, is a beautiful, wide river. On the other side of the river are more hills and mountains. And Coldplay took the stage right after sunset. Absolutely GORGEOUS! We all agreed that now Shaun and I will HAVE to come back to see another show there!
www.facebook.com/album.php
My brother's three sons Ethan, Zachary and Matthew are all about 2 years apart and are so GREAT! They are wild, just as little boys are supposed to be, but they also have good manners and are SO smart. They were blowing me away! And, they are so funny too. Zach decided that he was the "Poop Man"...lol...Let's just say that this kid is a walking, talking poop machine and he's not afraid to tell everyone when he needs to go. Don't ask!! ha hahaha He also took a liking to Shaun and on Friday after he got over his initial shyness, started bringing Shaun toys "wrapped" in a box with tape on the top as gifts. It was SO sweet. Btw, Shaun is so great with kids. He plays with them and talks to them, so they don't feel like he's just an adult that thinks they are a nuisance. He is even better with them than I am sometimes!
Anyway, I could go on and on about our Spokane trip, but that's not the only thing that has happened in the past 19 weeks, so I will move on!
I've been working a helluva lot lately. We hired three new employees onto our team, which is totally great because the work load has definitely grown without enough people to do it all. So, now, we are dividing the work up amongst ourselves which will really help relieve some of the pressure that was on my boss and me. I was basically doing the jobs of all 4 of us by myself until they got hired. So, this past month has been alot of training and explaining things. But, I really don't mind and explaining it helps me understand it better myself.
The past couple months have basically been work and weekends grilling out or at the pool. We had a pool party at Twiggy's apartment pool on May 31st for Memorial Day and Shaun's birthday. It was really cool because one of my best friends, dating back to junior high, Stephanie (Spice) showed up. Also, my friend Ann, who I hadn't seen in 2 yrs showed up too. Also, Matt, Brawndo and their friend came, and so did Craig, Shaun's best friend. Twiggy's friends who are married, Jacob and Marsha, came after spending all day at Hurricane Harbor. We all just had a blast playing with this big beach ball that lit up from the inside when you hit it. There was a bit too much drinking on my part, but all in all, it was a wonderful party. I think it was the last cup of Texas Tea that did me in. Blech! We also got together for the 4th of July at Twiggys. Here are the pics from that...www.facebook.com/album.php
I bought a piano keyboard a few months ago...in preparation for piano lessons...which I've yet to start. haha. I promise it won't become another fly-by-night idea of mine (aka: ice skating (when i was a kid), running, regularly blogging/writing, etc.lol.). Craig has even offered to give me lessons since he is already giving his daughter lessons. She's six. lol. But, hey, since I don't really know much about it, I guess I'm kind of at 6 year old level anyway! I gotta start somewhere!
Speaking of regularly writing, I am still working on the book I started several years ago. It's been a long process because I kind of got side tracked and I think started making myself believe it didn't matter anymore and just lost faith in it. But, my faith has been renewed and I have been writing more lately. I got a large spiral notebook where I write on lunch breaks sometimes. I figured that I really needed one main place where i could write thoughts or ideas down, so that I didn't lose track of all my notes. i know I've got notes written and strewn about all over the place. Someday I'll have to find them...maybe. They may not be any good so it won't really matter in that case.
On the family front, I have gotten alot better at putting up the boundaries with my mother and I think she is starting to realize that we don't need to see each other all the time and if we only get together once or twice a month that is fine. She still tries to put guilt trips on me, but I'm much better at telling her to stop putting guilt trips on me and just walking away from it when she gets like that. I also have stopped taking so much personally. Just making these simple changes in my thinking and behavior has really freed me up to have my own life and have my brain free from the constant worry or anxiety that I had when it came to her. I am currently living by the belief that there is nothing I can really do to change her or her circumstances...that is all up to her and it's not my problem or my job to fix her problems. I've got my own life and it's my job as an adult to focus on that, take care of my responsiblities, spend time with the people who are important to me and who I didn't spend 18 yrs of my life with, day in and day out. Shaun and I are doing so wonderfully and alot of that is due to the fact that I am not focusing so much of my attention outward on people who don't appreciate it or deserve it.
I will come back and write more later. In the mean time, does anyone else wonder where the time has gone and am I the only one that is amazed that it is almost the end of July? WTH!?! There are only 5 months till Christmas. That is crazy talk!!
- Location:home
- Mood: hopeful
- Music:Kings of Leon
SILVER LINING: If he is clear for 5 years, he's considered cured. I am hopefully going to go see him and my brother Corey in a couple months.
2) My brother-in-law's mother was diagnosed with kidney cancer which has spread to her lungs. She had surgery to remove the kidney yesterday. They won't know anything more for a few more days. -- this all happened in the past 2 weeks.
SILVER LINING: She is recovering and doing as well as can be expected.
3) I've been invited to go visit my Aunt Theresa and Grandma Pugh, along with some other ladies of the family for a fun ladies weekend on Easter weekend. The one problem - how am I going to tell my mother that I won't be here to celebrate Easter with her and my Grandma Straley (the one with alzheimers in assisted living), and instead I'm going to be spending Easter with my agnostic aunt and my Grandma who is considering Judaism at 85 yrs old. (My family is crazy and I love it.) I don't think there will be any going to Easter mass if I go up to D.C. :-P Scratch that...I don't think, I know there won't be. And I'm cool with that.
SILVER LINING: I get to see my Grandma Pugh and Aunt Theresa who I don't see very often, go to DC again which I love, hang out with the ladies of the family that I haven't spent much one on one time with like my father's cousins Becky and Laura. My Aunt is also offering to pay most of my way up there.
4) Just today I was invited by my mother and my Aunt Cathleen (mom's sis) to go visit my Aunt Cathleen in New Mexico next weekend. Aunt Cathleen's husband, my Uncle Woody, just passed away unexpectedly in January from a heart attack, so she can really use company right now. However, this will mean that I would be spending an entire weekend with my MOTHER...Ahhh!!! (We have not exactly been getting along lately.) AND, I will have to take Monday off of work with short notice. I have no idea what to decide and i have about 3 hours to make the decision.
SILVER LINING: I feel like this opportunity has been placed in my path for a reason. My mom and I would have time together out of town which may help us to mend a little bit - without the constraints and responsibilities of being in the area, etc. And, I do want to see my Aunt to help in anyway that I can and I wouldn't mind going to see New Mexico again.
5) I just found out yesterday that my team at work will be moving to a different building in Lewisville on 5/1. This means that I will have about 15 more minutes to drive to work. YAY! Oh, and it's right before the summer which means that gas will be going up. JOY!
SILVER LINING: My manager says that we may be able to work out a deal so I can work from home a couple days a week. SWEET!
- I still have a job that, although it may not be my dream job, let's me work from home when needed, is flexible when it comes to taking time off, gave me a freaking raise in this economy and actually praises me for my work. Also, it's the one big bank out there that is doing well...I had no idea when I applied last year that I was picking the right bank to work for. If I have to work for any bank (like I said, not my dream job) then I choose this one.
- My health - I feel great most of the time now, as long as I'm eating right. I have energy and don't get the brain fogginess anymore. During this time where my 31 year old brother gets cancer, I am just so happy to be healthy and need to remember to appreciate that!
- Shaun - He is more amazing than I ever knew before. It's crazy that after almost 6 years of knowing each other and being together, I constantly learn more and never want to stop learning. He helps to restore my belief in real love.
- Rock climbing - Shaun and I went rock climbing last weekend and it was a total freaking blast! I'd been about 8 years ago and had always wanted to go again. We have this awesome indoor rock-climbing gym really close by and we decided we are going to try going once every month or couple of months. Can you believe it? Us, rock climbing?! And you know what? We kicked ass. :-)
- Gluten-free food in the store - We had my Aunt Kathy and Uncle Steve over for dinner for the first time last week. Shaun made his fabulous sausage and peppers pasta meal and I was able to have pasta because I got gluten-free pasta! I've had that before but it was spaghetti and ended up being very mushy and crumbly. This time I got the little ones and they were awesome!
- My friends and spontaneity: Last Sunday we were planning to go to the Dallas Aquarium with Twiggy and at the last minute she called and said she heard we could get Stars tickets for like 20 bucks. We did it , we went to the game and it was AWESOME! They lost, but oh well! We had a blast! Thanks Twigs!
- FRIDAYS!!! And on that note, I'm going to get off the computer and go do fun stuff.
- Location:home
- Mood:
energetic - Music:Rage Against the Machine
I’ve been thinking about a couple more goals I ‘d like to put on my life list or resolution list…Running is one of them. I have always wished to run a half-marathon someday or at least a shorter race. I think I got turned off of running back in high school because I played soccer and part of our training was to run about 3 miles a day and then practice for an hour+ on top of that. That would go for about 4 months straight, granted we mixed up the workouts some. But, for someone who was definitely not a hard core workout person before that, I felt like I was being tortured sometimes. I ended up dropping off the soccer team my 2nd year, using the excuse that I had to work after school and wouldn’t be able to practice. That was true, but I think if I’d really loved it I could have found a way to stay in it. But, I was SO burned out and tired of being yelled at to run faster and farther, etc.
It didn’t help that I had some stomach issues that I didn’t understand back then which kept me from being the healthiest version of myself. I was always having stomach aches and couldn’t decide if I was going to barf or the other thing – and you can imagine how wonderful that feels when you are running forever in the Texas heat and everyone else seems to be just bouncing along. Back then, I didn’t know that my stomach issues were even issues…I thought that I just had a really sensitive stomach, couldn’t do anything about it and would just always have to live with it. Thank God that now, after years of dealing with these things, I have learned about Celiac Disease and the gluten-free diet and after changing my diet, have felt more physically normal than I have in years, if ever. So, now that I have that stuff more or less under control, I am finding myself much more interested in new activities or picking up activities I previously left by the wayside.
It’s really amazing to realize that the reason I was somewhat lazy and unmotivated when it came to getting out and doing things on a week night or even weekend is that I was always feeling somewhat sick to my stomach. I had dealt with it for so long that I was used to it and had gotten into the habit of planning for shorter bursts of activity – coming home. Shorter bursts – coming home. I always wanted to be near home or a bathroom. Anyway, I know this subject is just so lovely and anyone readying it is probably enthralled…but this is all leading to the fact that now I’m ready to consider running again.
A few great things did come from all that running and working out back in high school. My weight had always fluctuated from about 120-130 at 5’1” when I was about 15 years old. I eventually got slimmed down to about 113 lbs at my fittest during soccer, toned up, made friends, learned that I loved team sports and hardly ever got sick because I guess my immune system was being built up. Oh and I eventually got to about an 8 ½ minute mile…That isn’t very great compared to the more experienced runners, but for me that was great! I started out so out of shape at a 15 minute mile! So I’d cut off almost 7 minutes in a few months!
I really love to exercise as long as it’s at a normal pace. I do not enjoy being forced to do something to the point where I’m about the break and I refuse to do that unless it’s a life or death situation. You know, like all those times when I may have to run from the law…However, I want motivation and am too easy on myself when I don’t have something or someone motivating me. So, I’ve looked at some running groups in the area who meet on weeknights to go for a run on certain trails in Arlington. I’m certain that those runners are much more advanced than me and will probably leave me in the dust, but I have to start somewhere! I also found this website which promotes this beginner’s program called Couch-2-5K. It’s supposed to help beginners start off slow with running and slowly build up so that in about 8-9 weeks you can run 3 or more miles in 30 minutes. I’m going to see if I can get Shaun to start it with me. He definitely has no interest in running, but maybe if we start off slow he won’t think it’s so bad. I am really proud of him lately because he’s taken the initiative to go out to ride his bike on nice days. I can already tell he is slimming down and the best part is it’s all his idea. He is even the one motivating me to go most of the time. It’s a great way to hang out and get our hearts pumping together…apart from our other favorite way to get our hearts pumping together. Lol!
So, this is my heartfelt promise to myself to get in shape this year, tone up and relieve stress with exercise! I’m happy with my weight right now, but I would love to tone up and have a way to rid my body of the toxins and release endorphins and also make one of my life list dreams a reality!
To Audience: What dream or accomplishment would like to make a reality this year?
- Mood:determined
So, now, it's on to the next steps which will hopefully strengthen me in my own heart and mind and in turn, strengthen Shaun and me in our relationship together.
I have decided that this is my year of renewal. I have decided to learn from the past and leave the bad parts behind. That includes leaving my demons behind, or at least learning how to control them. This is my time to start anew and revitalized. I have made some promises to myself that I will not break. I have seen how much destruction my emotions and I are capable of and there is no way I will allow myself to cause that destruction again.
This also includes finding a new and better way to deal with my own mother, who has alot to do with all of this. She moved in with Shaun and me back in May and stayed for almost 4 months, about 3 months longer than we had anticipated or wanted. At the end of her stay, she started a fight with Shaun and me, during which she said some very nasty things to Shaun, yet he, being the calm and collected man he is, did not react back in hostility. So, she ended up looking like the fool. During her move out, she said some horrible and very hurtful things to me about Shaun, saying that as long as I was with him she didn't want to talk to me and if she saw him again she would hurt him. All of this was because she knew she was in the wrong, but wanted to make it about someone else. She had taken complete advantage of us, and had several opportunities to get out on her own earlier and didn't do it. She forced me into the position of having to push her out on her own and when I tried to rationalize with her, she turned into into a personal attack on us.
That whole experience caused some major anger inside of me like I'd never felt before. It made me feel like once again, my mother and her behavior was taking over my life. I'd heard my mother say those same kind of threatening things about other people in the past, and she always eventually got over it, sometimes in as little as 2 weeks. But, it didn't make it hurt less this time, because this was about the man I was supposed to marry. It made me feel like I was stuck in the middle and wondered if my own mother would ever be able to accept the man I was going to marry or if she'd always dislike him, even after we got married.
I let her affect me so much that it literally made me decide to just run away from it all and try to ignore my feelings and the reality that I was going to have to deal with all of this to have a successful relationship. I have had to deal with her my whole life, so I was just so done dealing. So, in all of that, I turned my back to Shaun and the rest is history. Now, Shaun and I have talked about all of this stuff and I am going to start going to some therapy to work through all of these mommy and daddy issues that I have so that I can learn how to have a successful relationship as an adult, without letting all of these issues raise their ugly heads later on or when the going gets tough.
My New Year's Resolutions/Goals:
~ Start with a clean slate
~ Finish my book
~ Look into freelance writing
~ Get signed with an acting agency and perform in commercials
~ Look into PR jobs
~ Quit smoking
~ Keep my new food lifestyle going to stay healthy
~ Go dancing
~ Sing more
~ Keep in contact with my friends and family
~ Plan/Go on a trip
~ Go to therapy (individual & couples)
~ Cook more, try new recipes
~ Ride bikes and exercise more
~ Open up about my feelings
~ Be honest
~ Save money
~ Plan surprises for my man
~ Stop/tone down the use of Myspace and Facebook (too distracting)
That's all for now. Ciao!
- Location:Home
- Mood:determined
I don't really want to say much because it's not really everybody's business. But, our wedding has been cancelled. We will not be getting married on April 25, 2009. Yes, it is officially cancelled, the chapel is already trying to book someone else on that day.
It was my decision not to move forward with the wedding. I have been having lots of stuff going on in my head and just did not feel right moving forward with planning and getting everyone more and more involved when I was feeling like this.
I am so sorry to anyone who had started making plans to fly here, etc. I'm sorry that we sent the Save the Date cards out and all. I know this must seem like a shock after receiving one of those. I was just trying really hard to get myself back into the wedding spirit...that was part of why we sent those out.
I don't know what Shaun and I are going to do from here. Right now, I am just trying to chill out and take a breather and think. I've been holding onto all of these feelings and worries for so long that I practically gave myself an ulcer. Right now, I just want to take some time and figure out what I want in regards to the relationship and my life in general.
I guess I am just more complicated than I originally thought...I could say I'm more f*#*ed up than I originally thought, but I don't believe that. I believe that I am smart enough to know that it's not right to go forward with a marriage unless you have thought it all through. It's not fair to the other person or myself. I do have alot of complicated things going on in my head and heart, but I have good reasons for those things.
Anyway, I just wanted to provide an update to anyone who may read this and who was wondering what the hell happened.
Can't say much more than that.
Krista (Kitt)
- Mood:
contemplative
Today her back doesn’t ache
in the place they tried to break
her will to balance torment.
Science fair ribbons don’t pay rent
to her landlord pimp at 53rd and 8th.
This morning her pimp kicked her out;
lucrative investments hold clout
in dirty business of “no hard feelings.”
Putrid streets inject and sting,
but at least her back doesn’t ache.
Four hundred dollar Manolo Blahniks
won’t earn 25 in pawn shop dealings.
Waitress tip-out won’t pay enough to take
one college course, plus “no street-whores allowed.”
A free hit warrants an excuse to make,
but she won’t lie, today her back doesn’t ache.
----------------------------------------
Rondeau Style
Today her back doesn’t ache
in the place they tried to break
her will to balance torment.
Pageant ribbons don’t pay rent
to her landlord pimp on 8th.
This morning he kicked her out;
supple investments hold clout,
in a world of “no hard feelings.”
Putrid streets inject and sting,
at least her back doesn’t ache.
Every cent gone to rent,
but she quit corner dealing.
Tonight the shelter ceiling
tiles help count her ways out.
A free hit offers a break,
but tonight her back doesn’t ache.
- Mood: artistic
Barack Obama’s sweeping victory as president of the United States sends him to the White House to face what may be the worst national financial crisis since the time of Franklin Roosevelt’s election in 1932.
Obama won on his own terms, strategically and symbolically. He rolled up a series of contested states, from Colorado to Virginia, long out of Democratic reach. And his victory reflected the accuracy of his vision of a reshaped country. Racism, much discussed, turned out to be a footnote, and African-American turnout was not unusually high. Instead, Obama drew his strength from an array of racially mixed, growing areas around cities like Orlando, Washington, Indianapolis, and Columbus on his way to at least 334 electoral votes.
“Even as we celebrate tonight we know that the challenges tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime: two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century,” Obama told a crowd of more than 100,000 in Chicago’s Grant Park.
The assembled crowd had been strangely silent through the evening, even as Obama shut the door for McCain by winning New Hampshire and Pennsylvania, and even after his victory in Ohio pointed toward a landslide, seemingly unwilling to accept or believe the impending victory.
Only at 11:00 p.m., when CNN declared that Obama had surpassed 270 electoral votes, did the crowd roar in approval.
"This victory alone is not the change we seek — it is only the chance to make that change," Obama said, standing between two bulletproof glass walls.
McCain, speaking in a somber concession speech outside the Phoenix hotel where he married his wife, declared that he had done what he could.
"I don't know what more we could have done to try to win this election," he said.
Calling Obama "my president," McCain vowed to work with him to help repair a nation facing profound challenges at home and abroad.
"These are difficult times for our country, and I pledge to him tonight to do all in my power to help him lead us through the many challenges we face," McCain said.
After booing Obama's name and offering a few jeers, the crowd came to recognize the history in the evening when McCain paid tribute to the nation's first black president by recalling his own favorite commander-in-chief.
"A century ago, President Theodore Roosevelt's invitation of Booker T. Washington to dine at the White House was taken as an outrage in many quarters," McCain recalled. "America today is a world away from the cruel and prideful bigotry of that time. There is no better evidence of this than the election of an African-American to the presidency of the United States."
For the first time, claps and even a few cheers were heard from the dejected crowd.
Obama’s win came with Democratic gains in the Senate and House, though his broad victory — he swept swing states ranging from Indiana to Ohio to Virginia — was perhaps even more dramatic than his party’s success in congressional races. Obama and other Democratic leaders quickly signaled their awareness of the risk of overreaching, with Obama avoiding any claim of partisan victory, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid going further.
"This is a mandate to get along, to get something done in a bipartisan way. This is not a mandate for a political party or an ideology,” Reid told Politico.
As grand as the symbolism of Obama’s victory was, it was also a victory for his steady, corporate campaign management. The campaign’s early decision to play on a more ambitious map than other Democratic nominees was the source of his mandate. And the result closely mirrored the PowerPoint presentation his campaign manager, David Plouffe, pitched to sometimes-skeptical audiences of reporters and donors.
McCain’s campaign blamed larger forces for their candidate’s defeat.
“We were crushed by circumstance,” communications director Jill Hazelbaker said after McCain’s speech. “The economic crisis was a pivotal point in this race.”
External factors aside, McCain and his campaign also lagged far behind Obama in every key metric — money, organization, discipline — and failed to embrace Obama's organizational model or the technology it borrowed from the private sector.
Earlier campaigns had celebrated their technological prowess, but in Obama’s cutting-edge campaign, new political technology was implemented and came of age, evidenced by its vaunted fundraising machine and its “Houdini” computer system, which enabled the campaign as late as Tuesday afternoon to identify and bring to the polls a last wave of supporters who hadn’t yet voted.
The coalition Obama assembled proved as modern as the technology his campaign employed.
In his clear-cut victory, Obama became the first Democrat to win a majority of American votes since Jimmy Carter’s 1976 election. He won states just months ago thought to be impregnable to his party, places that just four years ago went for President Bush by double-digits: Virginia, Indiana, and North Carolina among them.
Indeed, Obama won in all regions of the country but the Deep South, piling up big wins in the perennial Democratic bulwarks on both coasts and making deep inroads into New South states, the industrial and agricultural heartland and the fast-growing Rocky Mountain West.
But perhaps most spectacularly, he found victory with a multiracial coalition that has the makings of a formidable political base of power.
If his was the first 21st century campaign, his victory was powered by a new face of America: comprised of all ethnicities, hailing mostly from cities and suburbs, largely under 40 years old, and among all income classes.
As they emphatically proved by obliterating the presidential color line, many of these voters are not guided by traditional cultural attachment to race, religion or region.
What makes his victory so resounding, and so daunting for Republicans, was that he combined support from African-Americans, Jews, and young whites with other key groups. He also reversed President Bush’s advances with Hispanic voters.
Further, and even more worrisome for the GOP, Obama was dominant among self-described “moderate” voters, a 60 percent swath of Americans larger than either self-described liberals or conservatives.
This 21st century coalition allowed Obama to blow out McCain in cities and suburbs where Bush had narrowly won or lost by smaller margins four years ago, and to pull off narrow wins in Virginia, North Carolina, Florida, Indiana and Ohio.
He ran up huge margins in heavily-black cities and counties in each, but was able to edge out McCain thanks to big wins in populous, racially-mixed localities like Northern Virginia's Fairfax County (59 percent), Charlotte’s Mecklenburg County (62 percent), Orlando’s Orange County (59 percent), Indianapolis’s Marion County (64 percent) and Columbus’s Franklin County (59 percent).
The coalition underscored the theme that made Obama famous in 2004, and one that he returned to in his victory speech, citing his support from “young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled — Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America."
- Location:Work
- Mood: jubilant
By: Maroon 5
After school
Walking home
Fresh dirt under my fingernails
And I can smell hot asphalt
Cars screech to a halt to let me pass
And I cannot remember
What life was like through photographs
Trying to recreate images life gives us from our past
And sometimes its a sad song
But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through
And mama Ive been cryin
Cause things aint how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
And were only several miles from the sun
Moving on down the street
I see people I wont ever meet
Think of her, take a breath
Feel the beat in the rhythm of my steps
And sometimes its a sad song
But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through
And mama Ive been cryin
Cause things aint how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
And were only several miles from the sun
The rhythm of her conversation
The perfection of her creation
The sex she slipped into my coffee
The way she felt when she first saw me
Hate to love and love to hate her
Like a broken record player
Back and forth and here and gone
And on and on and on and on
- Location:work
- Mood:
complacent - Music:Paramore
First thing is first, one of my best friends announced to me on Friday that she pregnant! YAY! It's kind of a strange situation because she and the father were in a long, serious relationship about 3 years ago (is that right Twigs?) and then broke up, she moved away, then came back to Texas and they started to see each other casually up until about 2 months ago. They had a bit of a falling out and weren't really talking and then she finds out the news. Wow, crazy huh? But, honestly, I am really happy for her because out of our group of friends, she is the one who really wants kids, with no doubts in her mind. We are kind of a different bunch of girls in our group (can it be called a "bunch" if it only consists of like 3? lol) in that we aren't all like jumping out of our pants with excitement at having kids soon. My friends Chris and Mary who recently got married aren't planning on it soon (that i know of) and Shaun and I will probably wait a couple years after we get hitched - more by my choice than his.
So, for Twiggy to be preggers is actually fitting because she is the one out of our group that has never doubted that she wanted to have children someday. This probably isn't her dream scenario, but it's happening and she is happy about it. I know she reads this blog, so I'm kind of reiterating what I already told her, but I am 100% supportive. No matter what happens between her and Matt (the daddy, of course) and no matter what her parents say or do, I am going to be there backing her up. This is actually the first time any of my good friends has been pregnant (other than my sis, but that's different) and I honestly can't be happier. My gut instinct is shooting off bolts of happiness and so I'm trusting my instinct.
In other news, the rehearsals for the play are going well! I have been driving to Duncanville a few nights a week to rehearse and it's totally worth the gas money and time. I absolutely loooove the character I get to play...She is basically an evil, manipulative, scorned woman, so I get to call to life any of my hidden demons, anger, frustration, sadness and sometimes the anger and demons I've seen in others to play the part. Seriously, there is no other part in Murder on the Nile I would want to be playing. According to my director, I'm doing quite well, but need to speak louder. That's not too hard to fix. And one of the crew members who watched us rehearse the other night stopped me afterwards to say "You are goood. You gave me chills." That was the best compliment I could get! lol The character is definitely not supposed to make the audience feel warm and cuddly.
The other headline of the day's blog, (how did this become a local TV News show?) my mother is still living with us. Yep...so let's count...that puts us at OVER 3 MONTHS now!!!! She is supposed to be moving this coming week, and I'm having lunch with her today so I will make sure to find out what the deal is with that. I am just going to pray with all my might to the swift-kick-in-the-ass god out there to do what he does best and get her moving on her merry way without a hassle. Shaun is being EXTREMELY patient, but I know that he is not happy with her dragging her feet and isn't saying it, but probably isn't happy with me for not forcing the issue on her more. But, what I have to deal with is the possible backlash from her when I bring it up forcefully. She knows what she has to do and agreed to it and I shouldn't have to be the grown-up and force it more. I'm so freaking tired of being the grown-up with her and I'm kind of refusing to do it. I will say that for the past 3 months, I have felt a bit like a child of divorced parents must feel. Constantly running back and forth between one and the other, trying all the time to keep them both happy in their respective ways, trying to keep them from having a reason to fight with each other, trying to keep the peace because I know that if I don't I'll be living in a hell house. Argh. Luckily, they have been quite cordial to each other, but I've been on my toes for over 3 months just waiting for the you-know-what to hit the fan. I just cannnot wait till she has her own place. I will finally be able to breathe again.
Regarding family news, my grandma has been officially moved to an Assisted Living Facility in Fort Worth. She has alzheimers and some other old people issues and my aunt and uncle just didn't feel they could take care of everything anymore. I haven't seen her in the facility yet, she just moved and I just saw her like 2 weeks ago, before she had moved. She was already kind of talking about it, but in the sense that she didn't quite understand that she is the one actually moving there. I feel sorry for her because she has to live with confusion everyday of her life and can't escape it. However, the confusion is kind of good in a way, because she may not realize what the real situation is...like, when she was in the hospital, she kept thinking she was in her room. If we just let her think that, she seemed to be ok and calm. Whenever someone tried to remind her she was in the hospital (really people, what is the point of doing that to her?) she would get really agitated and surprised like "What? Why am I in the hospital?" I think that is worse than just letting her think she is home. Trying to get her to see the reality is not to benefit her, it's to benefit the people around her who desperately want her to be able to see and comprehend the reality. They just don't want to believe that she really can't.
Anyway, I had this really creepy dream last night that Grandma passed away and she was buried. For some reason, we had to dig her up, and when we did, the coffin had transformed into a shoebox. When they opened it, her body was gone, like had disintegrated. And whoever was there with us, was like, "Oh no, they forgot to put in formaldehyde and preserve her." And yes, i know that in real life they disintegrate and aren't preserved for all eternity, but it was a dream and in the dream the faulty logic made sense. It was so freaking weird!!! Eww just gives me the creeps thinking about it. I watch way too much Law & Order SVU.
I still don't have my blood test results back...I will be calling the dr.'s office on Monday. The results may not be in yet, but I can at least try. The suspense is killing me. I know I've got something wrong with me and my digestive system, but I just am not positive I know what it is. On a good note, my when i went in for the blood tests, I had to get weighed and turns out I've dropped 7 lbs in the month between visits. Woo hoo! That is definitely due to the fact that I have almost completely cut out gluten filled products, other than a couple slip ups which I have paid for. So, either way, I'm going to keep eating the way that I have been and hopefully drop another 7 lbs! That would put me at a weight I haven't been for like 6 years! tee hee! *Kitt bounces with giddyness (is that a word?)
Ok, so I'd better stop typing or my fingers are going to fall off. Ciao for now!
Krista
- Location:home
- Mood: busy
I'm sure for the readers of this, there aren't many of you, but oh well - you may remember an entry I did a while back about Psoriasis. I was diagnosed with it when I was 9 years old and still have it. It is an autoimmune disorder which means it is life-long and it's caused by certain things in my body fighting off some other things and not absorbing nutrients correctly.
Well, recently, I spoke with one of my friend's husband, who recently was diagnosed with gluten-intolerance or Celiac Disease, another autoimmune disorder. I first heard of Celiac a couple of years ago, and remember thinking that I could very well have that because many of the symptoms sounded like things I've been dealing with for years. Most of them are kinda embarrassing and hard to talk about, which is why I haven't really told my Dr about them before now (bathroom issues if u really must know). Well, more recently, I have had some really strange things happening with my body and it's prompting me to get tested for gluten-intolerance/Celiac. I've been having neuropathy symptoms which many Celiacs have because if your body isn't absorbing the right vitamins and nutrients, your nerves don't always perform the way they are supposed to. For the past 3 years, off and on, I have had these tingling sensations down my arms and legs, and more recently have had shaking that was uncontrollable and balance issues (not even from drinking! tee hee).
This stuff has scared me more than the gastro symptoms because I've had the gastro symptoms since I was a kid. Most of my friends and family don't know that about me because I don't go around broadcasting it. I've gotten used to it over the years and just assumed that it was the way I am and I have to just deal with it.
I've stayed away from eating lots of bread for a while, mainly so that I didn't have too many carbs. But, I was still eating wheat/flour tortillas almost every day as a wrap with lunch meat. Anyway, if my blood work comes back positive, which in this case means I do have a gluten-intolerance, it will mean that I need to stay gluten-free pretty much the rest of my life. To actually find out if I have Celiac Disease, I would have to have positive blood work and a biopsy to accurately determine it.
Anyway, I decided to go gluten-free for at least a week to see if I felt any better. I felt fabulous! I'm not joking. I had no more stomach rumbling everyday, no more gas pains, less brain fog, emotionally felt more even-keeled(sp?), more normal bathroom breaks (lol), etc. So, either way, I'm going low to no gluten whether my tests come back positive or not. If I could eliminate alot of my issues and maybe even get OFF of anti-depressant medication, that would be worth giving up bread and regular pizza! These days, there are so many choices of gluten-free stuff on the market, so I won't be totally out of luck!
Many people with the intolerance or the disease, are underweight when diagnosed because their body doesn't absorb enough to put on weight. However, on the other side of the spectrum, many people with it are overweight or don't appear malnourished because their body isn't absorbing all it should, so they have much bigger appetites. Their body is kind of in a starvation mode, so it holds on to all the fat it can and so the person looks normal or even overweight.
When I was on the gluten-free diet for 8 days, I lost 3 lbs immediately. Admittedly, part of that was probably water weight and I didn't eat as much. I did not have a ravenous appetite like I usually do, and I had to remind myself to eat so that I wouldn't get too weak or dizzy. I have no doubt that for me, this diet will help ALOT of things. I do want to know if I actually have the positive bloodwork though, because Celiac Disease can cause many other things. To name a few, directly from the Celiac Disease Foundation website: http://www.celiac.org/cd-symptoms.php
are: Depression, early osteoporosis, spontaneous miscarriages, infertility, Iron Deficiency -which i was told by a dr I have- just to name a few. Check out the website for more info.
Elizabeth Hasselbeck on the the View has Celiac Disease. Check out this clip from the show which explains more...
Anyway, Celiac is genetic, so if I do have it, that means I got it from one or both of my parents, meaning they probably have it. Oh and Schizophrenia has been linked to Celiac disease...go figure(my father diagnosed with Schiz twice). Oh and Psoriasis is linked to it. wow
I kind of hope that the blood tests are positive, because it would explain SOOOO much that I have had to deal with almost my whole life and I can control it with food! Plus, if I get positive blood results, then it's provable and I won't just seem like I'm being difficult about food.
Ciao for now!
Krista
- Location:home
- Mood: cheerful
Visit Japan
Live in another state (have lived in Texas my entire 23 years on this lovely Earth)
Visit England
Visit Ireland – again
Learn to surf, even if it's not well
Play the cello well again (played for 2 years about 12 yrs ago)
Have my novel published
See my brothers Devin & Corey for 1st time in 6 years
Have my niece and nephew over for a sleepover
Go on a road trip with my girlfriends
- Location:Everywhere and nowhere
- Mood: creative
- Music:The Calling
I have bolded the parts that I thought were the most correct in terms of my life, who I am, what I want and how I think.
Birth name:
Krista Michelle Pugh
Date of birth: October 27, 1984
Hi there Krista,
Thank you for visiting my website at www.123numerology.com, and for requesting this free mini-reading and ongoing numerology tutorial.
Over the coming weeks, I'll be giving you a wealth of information about numerology (all completely free of charge!). I look forward to taking the journey with you - numerology is a true passion of mine, and it is my hope that you find numerology to be just as fascinating as I do.
Let's jump right in by starting to analyze your numerology chart ...
The best place to start is with one of the most basic calculations ... your "life path" -- based on your birth date of October 27, 1984 -- is 5.
How Is Your Life Path Calculated ? This is calculated in four steps: 1) Add up the digits in your month of birth (if more than one digit) With all the above calculations, we keep adding until we end up with a single digit, or an 11 or 22 (which are special cases in numerology, known as "Master Numbers"). In your case Krista, you were born on October 27, 1984. Your month of birth is October, which is the 10th month. Adding 1 + 0 gives us 1. Your day of birth is the 27th. Adding 2 + 7 gives us 9. Your year of birth is 1984. Adding 1 + 9 + 8 + 4 gives us 22. Note that we don't add the two digits in 22, because 22 is known as a 'Master Number'. The totals, then, are 1, 9, and 22. To get our final answer, we add these three numbers together: Adding 1 + 9 + 22 gives us 32. Adding 3 + 2 gives us 5. |
Your life path says a lot about you, so please read the following very carefully ...
Krista, your Life Path of 5 ...
You are about freedom, independence and the right to follow where your heart and gut-instincts lead you in life. You are an inquisitive soul with many questions that can only be answered through travel, exploration and experiencing a variety of life situations. For this reason you are likely to relocate to various cities or countries during your life and also entertain a number of life partners as opposed to just one soul mate. |
Your Expression - which describes your potential natural talents and abilities - works out to be a 8.
How Is Your Expression Calculated? What we are going to do now is turn all the letters in your name at birth into numbers,
In practice I put the vowels above the name and the consonants underneath. This is because your Soul Urge is derived from the vowels alone, so it makes it easier at the next step to do it this way. Again there is one exception to the rule and this is with the letter ‘Y’. If it acts as a consonant and is pronounced it is classed as being a consonant. If it is not pronounced or acts as a vowel it is classed as being a vowel. The ‘Y’ in Yolande, for instance, would be classed as being a consonant, but the ‘Y’ in Larry would be classed as being a vowel as it acts as a vowel. Let’s work out your Expression number, Krista : Using the above chart we would put a 2 below the 'K' of your first name. We would follow this with a 9 placed below the 'r', then a 9 above the 'i', a 1 below the 's', and so on ... We then carry on in the same manner with the rest of your name. When you are finished, you should end up with a chart like this:
Now we simply add up the numbers in each row. The top row: Adding 9 + 1 + 9 + 5 + 5 + 3 gives us 32. Adding 3 + 2 gives us 5. The bottom row: Adding 2 + 9 + 1 + 2 + 4 + 3 + 8 + 3 + 3 + 7 + 7 + 8 gives us 57. Adding 5 + 7 gives us 12. Adding 1 + 2 gives us 3. . We now add the total of the top and bottom rows, which gives us 5+3=8. And so, Krista, your Expression is 8. |
What a '8' Expression Means About You
Now that we've done the calculations, what does this actually mean?
Krista, your Expression of 8 ...
The optimum result of your life expression is the accumulation of wealth. Just because you are materialistic does not mean you are not spiritual, however. Many number eights believe that the wealth that they create in their lives is an expression of their soul's ability to circulate good energy in their life.
|
Now, Let's Examine Your Soul Urge
(also known as your "Heart's Desire")
We have already done all the mathematics necessary to work out this number. It is simply the total of the top row (the vowels) of your full birth name.
In your case Krista, this totals 5.
Krista, your Soul Urge of 5 ...
You love change. You live to experience as much as possible in the shortest amount of time possible. You appreciate the fact that life is short and are bound and determined to make the most of every minute you have on this earth. You have an inquisitive mind and a thirst for adventure that is only slaked by the collecting of unusual experiences and plenty of travel. |
- Mood:
bored
Things are getting to a point in my life right now, that I'm starting to feel that something bad is going to happen. Like, someone is going to die. This feeling is getting stronger now that a certain event happened the other day. I got word that Robyn was taken to the hospital by ambulance because she was having multiple seizures. These seizures were drug induced. Robyn is a drug addict who has been to rehab once already (at 23) but has not ever been completely sober since she was about 18 (hence the time our friendship started to change). Her life, for the past few years, has quite simply put, been a tragedy to everyone who is watching. She was an extremely intelligent woman, beautiful, tough, and strong who seemed to have a bright future ahead. All of that changed, slowly but surely, and she has never been the same since.
In the past year, her family and I have seen her go through spurts where she seems to be doing great. She seems to be staying sober, working, keeping up with friends and talking at length about all the things she wants to do in her life. But, we all have been hesitant to believe too much of what she says will actually be made a reality, because we have seen her fall from that high perch many times before.
So, the story about the other day is that she has been hanging out with some new "friend" who lives in her apt. complex. I guess this woman is a drug user too, and according to Robyn's mom, "pure trash." Robyn was extremely high on ice (meth), cocaine and I don't know what else, when she started having seizures at the new "friend's" house. The girl was freaked, rightly so, and called 911. Of course Robyn didn't want that b/c she knew what she had done, but she needed to go to the hospital. Supposedly, she had a few seizures back to back at that girl's apt, 2 in the ambulance, 2 at the hospital and even one more on the way home to her mom's house. I spoke with her mom yesterday and she told me Robyn will definitely be moving back home with her parents. THANK GOD. That is one good thing that is coming out of this.
By the way, the seizure thing is not new, Robyn has been diagnosed with a serious seizure disorder (idk if it's epilepsy), but to make it clear, she never had a seizure until after she got out of rehab. So, this disorder is more than likely a result of her addiction. It could be that she had it already, but the drug withdrawls or whatever brought it on. Who knows. All I know is that now, there is no denying how sick she is. She is not only an addict, I think she has mental issues that are causing alot of her behavior and on top of that, she is sick physically with the seizure disorder.
I feel somewhat guilty b/c half of me feels so angry at her, b/c I feel like she has become weak and she can do so much better and she just isn't. But, half of me feels so sorry for her, b/c I don't know if she could completely control her actions by herself, even if she tried.
I just hope and pray that living at home, with supervision, no cell phone, no car, etc will do her good. I pray she can have a happy and productive life someday, instead of the alternative, which is, even according to her doctor, death.
- Mood:
distressed
Peace and love
K
