"5'1" and Still Growing" is the first speech I gave in Toastmaster's.  The speech was given on Wednesday, 11/4/09, to a group of about 20 Toastmaster's club members, who also work for Chase.  The first speech given is usually the Ice Breaker speech which is all about the speaker.  This speech is meant as a way for the speaker to introduce themselves to their club members.  Toastmaster's is a club for people who want to improve their speaking and leadership skills. If you are interested, you can go to the Toastmaster's International site and join and then find meetings held in your area.

I won Best Speaker out of 3 on Wednesday, even though the two other speakers are more experienced in Toastmaster's than I am.  I was so excited and hope to continue to excel and learn to reduce my "Uh"s and "You know"s. :-)
 

5'1" and Still Growing
by Krista Pugh

One day, when I was about 5 years old, I lay crying in a Fort Worth emergency room.  I’d been rushed in by my single mom when a splinter in my foot got severely infected.  In the midst of my mom’s frantic worry, surely wishing my father was there to help her, and my frightened cries of pain, a kind doctor asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I choked through my tears that I wanted to be clown.  I think I was delirious at the time. :-)  But, on some level I knew that clowns were around to make people laugh and make them happy, and at that moment, that’s all I wanted.  I may have been happier if my big sister had been there to hold my hand, but that was during a time we were separated because of a custody battle.  So, I guess the comfort of a clown was the next best thing in my head.

As a kid, each time someone asked me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” my answer would be different.  I was a kid who thought that there were endless possibilities out there.  One day I’d want to be a singer, then an actor, or a writer, or, a psychiatrist, or businesswoman, or even an ice skater.  Luckily, as I got older, I weeded out a lot of the possibilities as I found out who I am, what I’m good at, and what really fulfills me. 

Before I came to work for Chase a couple years ago, I worked as a production assistant and writer in local television news. .In the beginning of my time in TV news, I was starry eyed and when I stood behind the camera taping the anchors and reporters in the studio, I daydreamed about being behind the desk myself, reading the stories of the day, with my hair perfectly quaffed, make up professionally done, revered and respected.  However, as the time there went on and I learned more about the profession, with all its’ long, strange hours, harrowing tragic scenes and stories, I realized that if I wanted a life filled with more than just work, if I wanted a strong marriage someday and kids with my boyfriend Shaun, being a reporter or news anchor would make all of that much more difficult.  Most of the reporters I worked with had been divorced and most of them went home lonely at the end of a long night or early morning.  I really enjoyed working directly with the news team, but each day at work brought a new tragic news story, or a few of them, to the forefront of my brain.  One night, there was a car chase that ended in the suicide of the driver of the getaway car.  I witnessed the man die on camera, off the air.  That was only one of the many tragedies I witnessed weekly.

I told most people that I was leaving news for the logical reasons that I wasn’t earning enough money and they didn’t have any full-time positions open.  That was all true, but if I’d still loved news, I would have stayed in it.  But, I didn’t love it anymore, I dreaded it.  I didn’t like who I’d become. I was harder, I was jaded, I was depressed, and I had lost a lot of my hope in humanity.  So, yes, it may seem like a huge jump to go from writing TV news to working for Chase where I write business communications.  But, here, I don’t see death everyday.  And I don’t see destruction. I like life much better that way.

In my life now, I try to appreciate the good things in my life.  Although I wish I could have had my sister around more growing up and had met my two big brothers earlier than the age of 13, I can say that I’ve truly learned to appreciate what I have and who I have in my life. I’ve become successful in life by overcoming adversity and maintaining strength, so I’m actually appreciative of the adversity because it helped shape the person I am today. 

Physical and mental adversity also played a big part in my life, even when I didn’t realize it.  I’ve always been a fairly healthy eater, but in August of 2008, I learned that some of the so-called healthy foods I was eating, like whole wheat bread, were inadvertently poisoning me almost daily.  After suffering from stomach problems, brain fogginess, trouble concentrating, physical ailments and neurological symptoms for more than 10 years, I finally learned that I have Celiac Disease.  Celiac is an autoimmune disorder in which my digestive system can’t process gluten which is a binder found in wheat, rye or barley.  I will save more details on this complicated disorder for another speech, as the red light is not my friend.  The basics of it are that I have drastically changed my diet and amazingly have felt better physically and mentally this year than I have since I was a kid.  I’m eating right, staying healthy, loving my family and friends, working, writing and creating.  It’s safe to say I’m as happy as a clown.

Blood Tests

All the online forums I began reading said it was recommended that a patient eat tons of gluten for at least a month before the blood test.  This was to ensure that the antibodies necessary to diagnosing Celiac would be active when the blood is drawn, because they will be acting against the gluten kryptonite (my preferred term) in your system.  The Celiac Panel consists of testing for specific antibodies in the system, outlined on the website for the Celiac Disease Center at Columbia University Medical Center.  I had resigned myself to the fact that my results would probably be a bit skewed because I scheduled the appointment, only giving myself one week back on gluten, after being off for almost one month.  I really didn’t want to reschedule and be forced to eat gluten even longer because for the first time in several years, I felt normal and knew it was because of my new diet.  Also, for vain reasons, I really didn’t want to gain weight back by eating a bunch of breads, pasta and pizza.  Anyway, my blood test came out negative for the full-blown Celiac disease, as a person must have a certain number of the antibodies to be considered positive for Celiac.  I had less than the positive number, but that means my body was still creating the antibodies indicative of the gluten-intolerance or beginnings of Celiac.  There was no way for me to know if my results were just skewed and I actually do have the full-blown disease or if I would eventually develop the disease if I kept eating the same way I had my whole life.  The only real proof I needed was how I felt on the new diet, when I didn’t have any slips.  I felt like a new person. 

Feeling Like New

The following slowly began to improve and in the past year have improved by about 95%:  Digestion has normalized, little to no brain fog after meals, increased energy, increased ability to pay attention, remain engaged in conversations and retain information, no outbreaks of psoriasis which means I don’t have to use the special shampoo anymore, weight stays off and fluctuates very little, I have felt much happier, satisfied with life and not depressed.

Bread vs. Woman

Now, I admit that over the past year I have had several slips in diet due to lack of self-control, submitting to feelings of defeat or simply due to becoming overwhelmed with the desire to eat those foods I miss the most.  On one occasion, about 5 months ago, I went out to lunch with co-workers for one of their birthdays.  The location of shot-down defenses: Carino’s Italian Restaurant.  I entered through the double doors, glided past the bar and sat down at our table, whole-heartedly planning on keeping my promise to not partake in the horrible, stinky bread or cardboard, stale, disgusting pastas on the menu.  Horrible, stinky, cardboard, stale and disgusting of course being my code words for wonderful smelling, tasty, warm, comforting breads and pastas being happily devoured around me.  I often feed myself these code words, hoping to feel more justified in refusing the bread basket, pasta and pizza dishes on Italian food menus.  However, the code words didn’t distract the defense enough to hinder my old standby hand-to-bread basket reflexes that particular day.  I said, probably out loud, “Oh, screw it”, grabbed a couple pieces of bread, buttered them and threw them down the hatch.  After months without the stuff, I melted like the butter slathered on top of the soft and chewy bread, sinking lower into my seat with every slow chew, until my head was practically laying on top of the table, with my eyes at bread basket level, peering longingly at the half-empty contents.  Hence, the “opiate effect” I described in the first installment of this story of Girl vs. Gluten.  I probably didn’t really sink to table-top level, but I remember wishing to myself that everyone else at the table would vanish so I could eat the remainder of the basket, order a Carbonara pasta dish, cake for dessert and a veggie pizza to-go and ditch work the rest of the day to go home and chow down on my ultra carbohydrate and gluten-filled Italian tastes of heaven, while watching old reruns of Friends.  Anyway, going back to work that day was pretty difficult as I sat at my desk with my old familiar enemy, brain-fog, by my side.  I had trouble focusing on what anyone was saying or on any of my tasks at hand.  I was so relieved when 5pm rolled around and I could just quietly sneak away and daze out in the peace of my own personal gluten-haze where I didn’t have to answer any questions, force creativity or solve any problems.  The gastro symptoms began soon after that afternoon.  Basically, my digestive system didn’t regain any semblance of normalcy for about five, count them five, days.  The Carino’s Bread Incident wasn’t the only instance of me slipping into oblivion with my tasty nemesis, but it was one of the defining moments over the past year.  It was one of many matches between me and this condition which took my uncertainty of its’ seriousness, and slapped me in the face with it.  Over the past year, when I’m on a no-gluten roll, I feel so great that I start to wonder if I really have issues with gluten or if it’s all in my head.  So, as with the Carino’s Bread Incident, I test myself and am once again knocked out of the race, take a dive into the crowd and must be brought back to life, slowly, until my weak body grows strong and I’m once again convinced that I really do have issues with gluten and if I like myself enough, I’ll stop testing myself.  The brief, 10 minutes of a swimming head and taste buds joyously reacting to the normal gluten-filled food isn’t worth the agony my body and mind will most definitely endure as a result.

Gluten-Free Foods and Recipes

My Love/Hate Relationship Comes to an End

By Kitt

It’s been one entire year and I’m still not over the break up. 

It’s been one full year and I still think about it everyday. 

It’s been one whole year and I still crave the warmth, the brief opiate effect which made my head feel heavy and light all at once, about to lift from my body at any second, the sweet of it hitting my lips. 

It’s been one year and I still miss the one thing that for 24 years gave me uncontained pleasure which I did not appreciate fully, and for 10+ of those concurrently brought me fits of uncontained pain, mental anguish, hyperventilation and pins & needles. 

It has been one year this month since I went Gluten Free and had to break up my relationship with breads, pastas, cakes, real pizza, some chips, etc.

In the Gluten-Free online forums, my story is not a unique one. Girl feels like crap for several years, with intermittent digestive issues, brain fogginess, mood swings, depression, psoriasis (autoimmune disorder which manifests as a skin problem), neuropathy (pins & needles in the extremities), etc.  Girl is diagnosed with Psoriasis at 9 years old.  After puberty, Girl starts having more digestive issues, and all the other symptoms grow worse over the years and really start to scare her in college and continually after the diploma is received in the mail.

What really tipped me off was in my 3^rd year of college, I started having these neuropathy symptoms.  My entire right side, my leg and arm, would just prickle with this sensation of pins and needles.  Sometimes my left side did it, but mostly my right.  I tried everything and then eventually went to the doctor.  The doc did the normal blood tests for cholesterol, blood sugar, vitamin deficiencies, etc.  They didn’t find anything other than a slight iron deficiency.  So, the conclusion of the school doctor?  “It could possibly be Multiple Sclerosis”.  Needless to say, the drive home and entire night lying on my bed in a daze that night was not my idea of a good day. The only way to diagnose MS was to get an MRI, and I definitely didn’t have the money to do that at the time.  So, I decided to wait it out and see if the symptoms got any worse.  The pins and needles sensation was so intermittent, that I just decided to deal with it.  My other symptoms, like brain fogginess, depression, digestive issues were easy for me to connect to some other reason like I’m just tired, depression runs in my family and my job is depressing, I ate something spicy or bad…etc, etc.

I had heard about Celiac Disease on The View (yes, I know, five cackling women isn’t exactly my cup of tea either, but nothing else was on!) about three years ago and remember thinking, "Wow, I have all of those symptoms". But, back then I had no idea what to do about it and at the time couldn’t be bothered, so I moved on.  It wasn’t until last summer that I went to a party where the husband of an old friend told me about how he had recently been diagnosed with Celiac Disease, along with both of his brothers.  The only way to control the symptoms of Celiac is with diet.  ALL gluten, wheat, rye and barley, MUST be extracted from the person’s everyday diet.  It was at that party that I realized that hearing about it on The View a couple years before put the idea in my head, but I wasn’t ready to hear it yet.  This guy’s account, at this random party at a house I’d never even been to before, came at the perfect time.  This encounter was the catalyst I needed to test myself and see if maybe this diet change was the answer to my problems.

Kitt describes the pros and cons of ending her love hate relationship with gluten in the next installment…

 To my dear friend Quakecon: Yours Truly - A Female Non-Gamer 

 
This past weekend Quakecon played out its’ 13th year in a row. This year, for the 3^rd out of those 13 years, it was held at the Gaylord Texan resort in Grapevine, Texas. Quakecon is an annual convention where gamers gather to plug in and play at their personal computer gaming systems in what is referred to as a humongous “LAN party”, the “Woodstock” of LAN parties if you will. To give you an idea of the massive scale of this simple “LAN party”, the first Quakecon was held in 1996, at the Best Western hotel in Garland, Texas. By the end of that first weekend, 100 people had passed through to game or observe after being alerted through online chat networks. This year, only 12 years later, a reported 5,000 males and females from all over the U.S. brought their computers into the BYOC – Bring Your Own Computer, spent day and/or night competing against their friends on WOW, Quake, Doom, Resident Evil, Wolfenstein, etc., and competing in structured tournaments throughout Friday and Saturday. The total attendants at Quakecon numbered 7,000, as tons of attendees, including myself, register as “G” for General at Quakecon, just to witness the sheer magnitude of the event and energy pumping through the three auditoriums. This year, one auditorium housed the aforementioned BYOC, one housed a vendor area containing booths for BAWLS, Id, Alienware, , Activision, AMD, Aspyr, Apple, ATI Technologies, Ageia, 1UP Network,

What I want to talk about doesn’t have a lot to do with the scheduled events at Quakecon, but the unscheduled events, the drama and the underlying messages subliminally thrown out at each of us…although not everyone listens closely enough to hear them. I promise I am not crazy, btw.

Since I’ve been going to this annual event for five years in a row, yet admit I may not be what most of the elite may call “an authority”, I feel it’s ok for me to employ the freedom I’ve been allowed through the simple, inalienable right to type, to expose the underbelly of the Con.   Before I begin, I have to qualify everything by saying that I love going to Quakecon every year, but the reasons behind my love for the Con have changed since that first 2004 weekend. I started going because in 2003 I met and fell in love with a self-proclaimed gamer. He had his first Quakecon experience in August of 2003 and had invited me to check it out, but I honestly wasn’t interested that year because I’d never even heard of it until I met him and wasn’t a gamer myself. I still remember sitting in the car at a local Sonic drive-in the Sunday night after he came back from that first Con and hearing him just rave on about how amazing the Con was and how he excitedly tried to explain it, but then threw up his hands saying there was really no way to explain it and therefore, I’d just have to see it with my own eyes. I knew then that I’d definitely be going the next year to see what all the fuss was about.

Anyway, I could go much farther into detail, but for the sake of saving time, I won’t. The first thing on my mind, maybe not one of the pieces most of the guys who go to Quakecon would want me to comment on, are the Booth Babes. Ok first of all, I know this is not the first technology convention to employ Booth Babes to help pull in more guys to a particular booth. Anyway, first off, the shoes. Seriously? Ok, I am 5’ 1” tall, so I know my heels. But, I look at these girls and there is no way I can think past the big neon sign flashing Stripper! Stripper! Stripper! in my head. Now, I know that our society loves to tell us that all guys love strippers. Ok, I get it. Naked woman are fascinating. Wow, big surprise. But, isn’t that all about them getting naked for you and the brief high it gives you when they pretend to like you? And you for that brief second believe that a real woman actually finds you attractive enough to rub on you and possibly sleep with you. Anyway, I don’t believe it’s really the shoes the guys get off on (well maybe in some unfortunate accidents. In that case, I feel more sorry for the stripper). So, my question is, what is the point of these women, clothed women, walking around in 3 to 4 inch high stripper heels all day, eventually limping around, dumbly waving their arms to present new technology that they don’t understand and basically serving no purpose. The ironic thing about it all is that Quakecon is one of the only times I’ve seen thousands of men gathered in one place and more interested in the games, new technology, getting free swag and watching gaming tournaments than the women. Ok, now I’m not naive enough to think that the guys don’t notice these women. I saw a few pictures of these short, tight shirt and high-heel-wearing women floating around on computer screens and all. I guess my real problem is that these women even do these jobs. It goes along with my feeling about women objectifying themselves in general…which is a whole different topic to discuss and blog to be written another time. Anyway, my question is, if there were no such thing as Booth Babes, would no men or lesbians come to Quakecon anymore? No, I really don’t think the numbers would decrease at all. The number of Booth Babes has actually decreased as compared to years past, from what I saw, and the volume of Quakecon attendees has steadily increased. So, these vendors or Quakecon, whoever pays these women, could actually save money, and help the cause of decreasing the number of objectified women our men see (I know guys, you will miss them. But seriously…Are all the commercials, website ads and free porn not enough?) on a daily basis. Do you know how many more female gamers there are now? How do you think it makes them feel to finally be competing on the same level as guys in videogaming, a sport that has been dominated by men for most of its’ lifespan, and then to be forced to walk alongside these women who make their living strutting around wearing nothing, to get men excited (how difficult is that really?) and get paid for it? It’s like a slap in the face.

Stopping my rant there. The other pieces of the con that need to be addressed are the drinking, the drama, the sharing of files. The main reason I go to Quakecon is to hang with friends, have some tasty beverages and basically chill out among a lot of other smart people around my age who know how to work hard and to play hard. Over the past 6 years my man and I have made some friendships out of Quakecon that have grown and remain today. We’ve gone to their weddings, been there through job changes, family struggles, but have mostly had some amazing experiences that we won’t forget. And for the experiences we can’t remember due to a little too much fun, we’ve got pictures.

For anyone out there who doesn’t know much about gaming, doesn’t have gamer friends, and basically views all gamers as nerds with no lives, you’d be very shocked to know of some of the scandal slithering in between the computer chairs and empty BAWLS cans scattered over the concrete floor. I can’t really say much about the other 6,980 attendees, but I can say enough about our own group. And the good thing is, most of my friends from the event may not even read this. And if they do, they’re identities will be kept a mystery to anyone but them. 

First of all, I am getting really tired of the same old arguments every year, the same drama that is poorly disguised as a new issue each year, the power trips. I had some of the most fun this year out of all the years, but I also saw some of the saddest things I’ve seen this year.  I witnessed people expressing the pubescent immaturity of a teen who wants to make their ex-girl/boyfriend jealous. I heard about emo behavior which ended up keeping one of our friends from wanting to hang out. I witnessed resurgences of old grudges which resulted in a lot of character bashing behind peoples’ backs.   I’m going to interject into my own account here to say that if I were to have recorded myself the whole weekend, I would hear that I was one of the people doing some of the bashing, or trash talking., mostly about people I don’t even know very well. None of us know what the whole truth about a situation is, so it’s not right for us to judge other people based on a few rumors thrown around. I know that I wouldn’t want people doing that to me, even though I realize that it has happened to me. 

I really don’t want to continue the downward spiral of bashing in this blog. That is not my intent. My intent is to open peoples’ eyes to the fact that a lot of the drama arising out of long weekends like Quakecon is petty. The point of Quakecon is to have fun. Life, in and of itself, is usually difficult, sometimes depressing, sometimes pointless and repetitive. For some of the attendees, myself included, this is one of the few weekends out of the entire year that serves as a much-needed break from repetition. We are allowed the chance to take time away from work, assemble in one place all at once, exuberantly greet friends we haven’t seen in a year or more, sit down to play games, watch people play, write, eat, drink and be merry. The whole essence of Quakecon is embracing the many ways we can escape from the harshness of reality. Part of its’ essence is also to allow like-minded people, “geeks” if you must, the chance to connect with other like-minded people. Whereas, in everyday life, it is often difficult for many of these people to really connect with others on a social level due to the often low instance of similar interests. It isn’t the place or the time to drag everyone down with drama, old grudges, etc. Please let it go, if not for your own sanity and enjoyment, then for mine! Save the drama for your mama and I'll promise I'll try too.

• I still have a job that, although it may not be my dream job, let's me work from home when needed, is flexible when it comes to taking time off, gave me a freaking raise in this economy and actually praises me for my work.  Also, it's the one big bank out there that is doing well...I had no idea when I applied last year that I was picking the right bank to work for.  If I have to work for any bank (like I said, not my dream job) then I choose this one.
• My health - I feel great most of the time now, as long as I'm eating right.  I have energy and don't get the brain fogginess anymore.  During this time where my 31 year old brother gets cancer, I am just so happy to be healthy and need to remember to appreciate that!
• Shaun - He is more amazing than I ever knew before.  It's crazy that after almost 6 years of knowing each other and being together, I constantly learn more and never want to stop learning.  He helps to restore my belief in real love.
• Rock climbing - Shaun and I went rock climbing last weekend and it was a total freaking blast!  I'd been about 8 years ago and had always wanted to go again.  We have this awesome indoor rock-climbing gym really close by and we decided we are going to try going once every month or couple of months.  Can you believe it?  Us, rock climbing?!  And you know what?  We kicked ass.  :-)
• Gluten-free food in the store - We had my Aunt Kathy and Uncle Steve over for dinner for the first time last week.  Shaun made his fabulous sausage and peppers pasta meal and I was able to have pasta because I got gluten-free pasta!  I've had that before but it was spaghetti and ended up being very mushy and crumbly.  This time I got the little ones and they were awesome!
• My friends and spontaneity:  Last Sunday we were planning to go to the Dallas Aquarium with Twiggy and at the last minute she called and said she heard we could get Stars tickets for like 20 bucks.  We did it , we went to the game and it was AWESOME!  They lost, but oh well!  We had a blast!  Thanks Twigs!
• FRIDAYS!!!  And on that note, I'm going to get off the computer and go do fun stuff.

I’ve been thinking about a couple more goals I ‘d like to put on my life list or resolution list…Running is one of them. I have always wished to run a half-marathon someday or at least a shorter race. I think I got turned off of running back in high school because I played soccer and part of our training was to run about 3 miles a day and then practice for an hour+ on top of that. That would go for about 4 months straight, granted we mixed up the workouts some. But, for someone who was definitely not a hard core workout person before that, I felt like I was being tortured sometimes. I ended up dropping off the soccer team my 2^nd year, using the excuse that I had to work after school and wouldn’t be able to practice. That was true, but I think if I’d really loved it I could have found a way to stay in it. But, I was SO burned out and tired of being yelled at to run faster and farther, etc. 

It didn’t help that I had some stomach issues that I didn’t understand back then which kept me from being the healthiest version of myself. I was always having stomach aches and couldn’t decide if I was going to barf or the other thing – and you can imagine how wonderful that feels when you are running forever in the Texas heat and everyone else seems to be just bouncing along. Back then, I didn’t know that my stomach issues were even issues…I thought that I just had a really sensitive stomach, couldn’t do anything about it and would just always have to live with it. Thank God that now, after years of dealing with these things, I have learned about Celiac Disease and the gluten-free diet and after changing my diet, have felt more physically normal than I have in years, if ever. So, now that I have that stuff more or less under control, I am finding myself much more interested in new activities or picking up activities I previously left by the wayside. 

It’s really amazing to realize that the reason I was somewhat lazy and unmotivated when it came to getting out and doing things on a week night or even weekend is that I was always feeling somewhat sick to my stomach. I had dealt with it for so long that I was used to it and had gotten into the habit of planning for shorter bursts of activity – coming home. Shorter bursts – coming home. I always wanted to be near home or a bathroom. Anyway, I know this subject is just so lovely and anyone readying it is probably enthralled…but this is all leading to the fact that now I’m ready to consider running again.

A few great things did come from all that running and working out back in high school. My weight had always fluctuated from about 120-130 at 5’1” when I was about 15 years old. I eventually got slimmed down to about 113 lbs at my fittest during soccer, toned up, made friends, learned that I loved team sports and hardly ever got sick because I guess my immune system was being built up. Oh and I eventually got to about an 8 ½ minute mile…That isn’t very great compared to the more experienced runners, but for me that was great! I started out so out of shape at a 15 minute mile!   So I’d cut off almost 7 minutes in a few months!

I really love to exercise as long as it’s at a normal pace. I do not enjoy being forced to do something to the point where I’m about the break and I refuse to do that unless it’s a life or death situation. You know, like all those times when I may have to run from the law…However, I want motivation and am too easy on myself when I don’t have something or someone motivating me. So, I’ve looked at some running groups in the area who meet on weeknights to go for a run on certain trails in Arlington. I’m certain that those runners are much more advanced than me and will probably leave me in the dust, but I have to start somewhere! I also found this website which promotes this beginner’s program called Couch-2-5K. It’s supposed to help beginners start off slow with running and slowly build up so that in about 8-9 weeks you can run 3 or more miles in 30 minutes. I’m going to see if I can get Shaun to start it with me. He definitely has no interest in running, but maybe if we start off slow he won’t think it’s so bad. I am really proud of him lately because he’s taken the initiative to go out to ride his bike on nice days. I can already tell he is slimming down and the best part is it’s all his idea. He is even the one motivating me to go most of the time. It’s a great way to hang out and get our hearts pumping together…apart from our other favorite way to get our hearts pumping together. Lol!

So, this is my heartfelt promise to myself to get in shape this year, tone up and relieve stress with exercise! I’m happy with my weight right now, but I would love to tone up and have a way to rid my body of the toxins and release endorphins and also make one of my life list dreams a reality!

To Audience:  What dream or accomplishment would like to make a reality this year?

I don't really want to say much because it's not really everybody's business.  But, our wedding has been cancelled.  We will not be getting married on April 25, 2009.  Yes, it is officially cancelled, the chapel is already trying to book someone else on that day. 

It was my decision not to move forward with the wedding.  I have been having lots of stuff going on in my head and just did not feel right moving forward with planning and getting everyone more and more involved when I was feeling like this. 

I am so sorry to anyone who had started making plans to fly here, etc.  I'm sorry that we sent the Save the Date cards out and all.  I know this must seem like a shock after receiving one of those.  I was just trying really hard to get myself back into the wedding spirit...that was part of why we sent those out. 

I don't know what Shaun and I are going to do from here.  Right now, I am just trying to chill out and take a breather and think.  I've been holding onto all of these feelings and worries for so long that I practically gave myself an ulcer.  Right now, I just want to take some time and figure out what I want in regards to the relationship and my life in general.

I guess I am just more complicated than I originally thought...I could say I'm more f*#*ed up than I originally thought, but I don't believe that.  I believe that I am smart enough to know that it's not right to go forward with a marriage unless you have thought it all through.  It's not fair to the other person or myself.  I do have alot of complicated things going on in my head and heart, but I have good reasons for those things.

Anyway, I just wanted to provide an update to anyone who may read this and who was wondering what the hell happened.

Can't say much more than that.

Krista (Kitt)